In this episode Reggie and Dannielle explore the intricate dance of controlling vs. relationship standards, diving into the case of a beach photo deletion request that led to a breakup.
From discussing the art of expressing preferences without coming off as possessive to navigating delicate topics like physical appearance, we strive to help you enhance your understanding of relationship dynamics.
In the latter part of our discussion, we talk about the balance of attraction and control in relationships and emphasize the need to consider your partner's feelings, uphold personal standards, and suggest alternative solutions. We also reflect on the evolving importance of physical attraction through different relationship stages and how breakups can sometimes serve as catalysts for self-improvement.
In this episode Reggie and Dannielle explore the intricate dance of controlling vs. relationship standards, diving into the case of a beach photo deletion request that led to a breakup.
From discussing the art of expressing preferences without coming off as possessive to navigating delicate topics like physical appearance, we strive to help you enhance your understanding of relationship dynamics.
In the latter part of our discussion, we talk about the balance of attraction and control in relationships and emphasize the need to consider your partner's feelings, uphold personal standards, and suggest alternative solutions. We also reflect on the evolving importance of physical attraction through different relationship stages and how breakups can sometimes serve as catalysts for self-improvement.
This Reggie atl coming to you from the lovely city of Atlanta, Georgia, going out to the Nell in California, but she's not in front of a window. I can't see if it is sunny or not. The now I'm just going to assume it is. I mean, this is LA. Right, you got to assume that it's just always sunny there.
Speaker 2:That's a great assumption and it is, and it's actually what the second week or second week of our heat wave. So we're sweating. I'm indoors, where I should always be, because it doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 1:What is? What is that heat wave in Cali? Is that like 80 degrees? I wait, what is that like?
Speaker 2:Oh, we're sitting 80 degrees. That's nice, that's regular we're like 90, 96, getting over 100 almost. It's that it's at a hand.
Speaker 1:I'm not here for it. That's typical. Like for us anyway for us, not, not, not not, for I know you guys aren't used to this kind of stuff, but that's typical Georgia. So how hot is it during summer? Like typical July in Georgia. Atlanta, you can hit those 90s Like pretty, pretty routinely.
Speaker 2:But it's a different kind of heat. It's dry and it just sits on you and like I've been in New Orleans when I'm in Miami, so I know that humidity, you kind of just you feel it. But dry it sneaks up on you Like all you, all you have is hot. It's when you feel hot.
Speaker 1:You know, there's some people who had went to like Death Valley and like actually died there. Like this one older gentleman went there and it was like 100 and like it was like 128, 125 or something like that. That wasn't too long ago.
Speaker 2:That would happen like maybe last week or so, about a week or so ago, you know so it's hot, definitely, and you don't have to go to Death Valley over here you just go hiking period, forget your water, get lost a little risk in life, risk in life to hike.
Speaker 1:Do you hike anyway? You know like, yeah, you don't strike me as a hiker.
Speaker 2:No, I do. I mean I was in Washington for a long time in the state and is that right A passage in Washington Is that like you're like I've been watching.
Speaker 1:Of course I hike.
Speaker 2:You have to. If you don't, people will get you a little funny Like why are you, why are you here then? Like what? So what brought you here? Somebody kidnapped you.
Speaker 1:It is a must. It's interesting because I wanted to have you on today, because I it is. This is an interesting subject, ok, so, because there's always a this is a relationship dynamic, and I'm not necessarily because I'm a heterosexual myself. I'm pretty sure this exists in other ways. I'm not sure this is just a heterosexual issue, and this is going to be kind of like controlling versus standards. And I read an article recently and it's about this this woman had made a social media post that had gone viral, that she had wore I guess she had bathing suit pictures or beach pictures. She says they weren't necessarily bathing suit pictures, from what I'm reading here, they were like beach pictures, right, and they they were on her social media and her boyfriend one of them deleted. So she deleted him and she got him out. She got, she didn't kill him, but she got. She dumped him, though she dumped the boyfriend, and this is always something that's been super fascinating to me to know, because I genuinely believe that there is.
Speaker 1:If you decide to get into a relationship with somebody, there's concessions you got to make right. There's, like this, certain concessions like if you're and I'll give you a sample of a person's impulse I had a friend of mine who his this has happened a while back ago. I would say this is maybe like five, ten years ago. Easy, he had someone to break up with him. They were in a long-term relationship. They ended up breaking up and one of the things he he didn't like was that he was like man, she's always like checking up on me, man and like wants to know where I'm going, what I'm doing and stuff like that. I was like bro, it's called a relationship, like that's called. Like yeah, I don't want to know where you're sitting. Do you think about this? To know? Could you imagine somebody asking you about where even your family member is? That you know that's not even a relationship. And you back hey, where's your roommate? Let's just go, roommate, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I haven't seen him in a few months. I don't know, I'm not sure you know. It's like you probably know where your good friends, family, roommates, people that are important in your life you probably know where they're at. You know what I mean, at least where they could be. You don't necessarily need to say, hey, they're over at Chick-fil-A or this McDonald's on this particular street, like you don't need to have specifics, but I really feel like you probably know, right, like the vicinity of where this human being is. Is that crazy?
Speaker 2:I know. I think it's reasonable, it makes sense, especially nowadays because you have so much interaction through social media and other things. So unless you actually check in with somebody, how do you really know or at least like send an update? It's like two seconds to send a text message I'm here or over here you can. It was a Google you could share where you're at.
Speaker 2:So they didn't have to ask you, you could just share your location with all your friends, so I don't think that's unreasonable for somebody to be like hey, you know, just check in. You're alive, because I care about you.
Speaker 1:How are you going to get mad? How are you? How are you super upset at that? And I feel like there's lines and we'll discuss the other implications of that, but just sticking with this, and I told them, and they end up breaking up, right, because of course she was like you know, he wanted to kind of hang out and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:And one of the things is, if you're used to and maybe people who have been single for a long time have this issue more, you know, because they're just so used to having their own time right, they're so used to not having that like answer to anybody. They're so used to being able to just go out the house. Maybe they come back a week later, maybe they just randomly go on a trip they could do whatever they want. But when you are deciding that you're going to be with somebody, this is one of the concessions that you're going to have to have, right, you're going to have to probably talk to that person. You probably got to tell them what you were. When they ask you what you're doing tonight. They're not trying to control your life, they just probably just really want to know what you are getting into tonight.
Speaker 2:Maybe they want to know what they may be getting into tonight. Right, like, maybe I'll get into something together. Were you not doing that before? You guys like to find the relationship or anything. They were just like no, I just come and go with a please. Okay, that's just weird, that's weird right.
Speaker 1:It's weird. It's a weird way of dealing with life and that's kind of like where I had kind of had to break it down to him. I was like, bro, like you still want to be like single, you still want single characteristics. Like you want to date somebody and have single man characteristics. I was like you just need to stay single, bro. Like if you don't want to check it up and you want to hang out, you want to bro out on the weekends and stuff like that. Like you need to just stay single because it's not a lot of people going to want to deal with that. Have you ever heard anybody in these situations like that, Because that's me from like a male situation. Have you ever had any female friends, associates and stuff like that who didn't really like or maybe felt like guys are checking up on them too much or asking questions about their whereabouts and maybe, from another person's perspective, just been like a relationship question?
Speaker 2:I feel like most of the women that I've known, especially like the serial daters they want to know every like, every movie. He's not asking me what I'm doing. He doesn't care. That's how they see it.
Speaker 1:I know A little bit right, because I made it something. If I'm not asking you. I got my own thing popping.
Speaker 2:Exactly Like what's going on then. But I definitely feel like there's a fine line to where it's like every hour or so. If he's not sending a message or texting or liking a photo, then I've got issues and I need to know where he is. Of course, when you get elevates to that level, of course you think, hey, you're like chill, you got some security problems, relax. But if it's just like you're going three or four days and nothing, yeah, that's an issue where we got problems.
Speaker 2:And if you take offense by her asking like, hey, when are you going to be home, instead of just being automatically offended like you're in my business, what are you talking about? And at least ask like hey, why you want to know? Like I'm making you food, I would like to go spend time with you when you get home, like that kind of stuff. So I have an idea how to organize my day pretty much. So it's like lack of consideration on. That would be definitely a red flag and he was getting offended by that.
Speaker 2:But I would expect him to at least want to know how my day went or what's going on. But he doesn't need to know every single detail or ask me every single detail if he doesn't want to. So I think it's a level of like do you actually care about this person at all? Because it's like when you have kids, if you have children, you're going to want to know where they are. What's going on, so I wouldn't be significant either. That part, that part when will you return? I'm like it's like people going out on journeys and stuff and never hearing from them. Send a letter, dear John.
Speaker 1:Not even corresponding whatsoever. They're just out there somewhere.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly Like do you check up on your friends? You're like, hey, bro, proof of life, especially when you get older, because then it becomes concerning when you're in old age, like there's been some people who passed away and it's been weeks before anybody noticed.
Speaker 1:I don't want to be that person. Right.
Speaker 2:Come on.
Speaker 1:So how does that dynamic work for you? Like, have you been that person who might be? Because I feel like this is going to break it down and we're going to break it down and like into different categories. And I feel like this also breaks down the nail into like where you are at in your relationship. So, when my friend in particular, they were already in a long term, they'd already been dating for a couple of years, so it's not like this was like she's she's hitting you up after a week asking like you're aware about you know what I mean. Like you, you guys are together, bro, like you've been dating. So there's. Do you feel like there is a line? Because ultimately it's going to be.
Speaker 1:If we were to look at what this episode is about, it's kind of like about possessiveness versus just caring about a person, right, and the thin line that kind of lies between those. Because you can care about a person, it's different for me to ask what time are you getting off work for? Just asking, just right, because in my opinion, because I've been in a free relationship, this is just like genuine relationship every day, stuff. Like it's not even that thought about. You know what I mean. It's not that calculated. I feel like there's a difference between that and me. Just like waiting outside your job, like in that car. I've been out here for two hours. Where are you coming out?
Speaker 2:Like oh, you said you were at work, but I checked your location. You're not there.
Speaker 1:You're not there. What's going on?
Speaker 2:No, we're not trying to be at that level, but especially if you've been in a long term relationship, you're more like why isn't that commonplace and why are you getting offended now? Were you offended before or is this like a new development and you're trying to hide something Like? I might have to ask you some more follow up questions.
Speaker 1:Have you ever felt the need for that? Where is that in Denel's life Like? Where has that fell for you?
Speaker 2:I don't feel like I've ever felt the need. I've been very independent in general, so I'm not the type of person who's going to constantly like, hey, what were you at? What's going on, who's doing this? All that kind of stuff If you don't want to tell me.
Speaker 1:I'm going to tell you what it is.
Speaker 2:I should trust you enough to not have to do all of that. And I'm also working, I'm busy, I got things going on trying to develop a career as well, so I would expect him to be doing the same. So of course there's going to be times where we're not texting or talking all day, but it only takes a moment to say, hey, I'm going in this meeting, you want to chat later? Or hey, just thinking about you for a second, like little things like that Cool. You know, I have been that person where it's like, oh hey, you didn't say anything to me all day, what's going on? I was like, oh my bad, I was just busy, you know, out of sight and out of mind a little bit. So I've had to learn to do that a little bit more.
Speaker 2:I guess it all depends on what kind of person you're in a relationship with. If they're getting back to it, their love language is communication and time, of course you're going to have to go feed into that or point into that cup. But if you're with person who's more like an axe kind of person, then you might have to show up, pop up at work, you know, bring them flowers, send them a gift or something like that. There's all different ways to kind of meet the needs of whoever you're with. It doesn't always have to be just like what are you doing, where are you at? Kind of messages and stuff like that. So I think you should be flexible in a relationship and that's what I expect from me or anybody else that I'm with.
Speaker 1:Now, you know, what's interesting is we're going to cut, because that was kind of touching on maybe like the whereabouts, like where a person is located. I find that's just basis for relationship. I'm not dating somebody who I cannot locate. I'm just going to just let me just go ahead and throw that out there right now. So she's in my heart.
Speaker 2:Where are you? Where's Waldo?
Speaker 1:Because, like you said, I'm not the kind of guy to just like obsess over it. We just can't be together. Like I'm not going to obsess over, like you know, I'm not going to like stalk our person, I'm not going to try to track your location and everything like that. It's just a situation where, like, if you can't have the common courtesy from, like I'm at work, it takes a second to say that right, like that's not even you don't have to do anything. Like you, it's a quick text message or something I'm at work or busy doing, whatever you know, but I don't feel like there's anything. So, in your opinion, that's not strange. So we're going to take that off. That that's not strange in a relationship to ask about where a person is OK. So we got that one taken care of. Now let's move on to more so the clothing and this, and this is where this can become an issue. So fast and now.
Speaker 1:Ok, but coming up yeah right, oh God, have you ever dealt with it? Did I like? Yo like, where are you going with those shorts, have you ever? Maybe you just don't dress like a Harley. Have you ever heard of word Harley before? Have you heard that use in a sentence? I was. I was determined to use that in a sentence on this show and I succeeded.
Speaker 2:I have not heard Danelle and Harlett in the same tense before, thank you. Thank you for that, reggie. I was actually. That's what it's all building up to.
Speaker 1:I'm breaking ground here on this show.
Speaker 2:I'm here, maybe a Jezebel or two, but never a Harlett. I would say, yes, I have had a moment where it was like well, what are you wearing now? I was like, but you know, you met me like this, this is not new.
Speaker 1:You see everything I have on Instagram. Pull the like, yo. You just see my. You see in the ground. That's what. That's what got you here. That's that's what Danelle is saying.
Speaker 2:And the audacity and turn around and be like now you got to be matron. I was like, no, you can't. You. You caught the baddie. That's what it is. You don't have the baddie all the way through. She's not going to turn into the mother board afterwards. Stop playing, Stop.
Speaker 1:Yo, that is hilarious.
Speaker 2:And I feel like that's almost a control issue thing too, because I feel like they they can say something to you. If they won't say something to the men or whoever else they feel is giving you unwanted attention, they have all the smoke for the person that's right next to them because they're easy to access and I feel like I can kind of talk to you any old way, but you know the one of his boys. If somebody random comes up and they're like, oh hey, your girl looking good, like let me get out. You like trying to say something, you don't feel like you can really really stand your ground or say something to him. So like I'm going to go for the next best thing, which is her, so I could control her. So she, she can't wear that anymore, you can't do that anymore, you can't do this.
Speaker 2:I felt there's a difference between being having respect in a relationship for the person that you're with If something is too much for them. I think you would have known that beforehand, like especially when you were dating them. The whole process, like you thought I was just wearing this just to catch you. No 24, seven me.
Speaker 2:I think some guys have to wake up to that or realize it or be able to handle that kind of stuff Like it's not a me problem, it's you problem at that point.
Speaker 1:So where's the line at then to know with? Because there's an. I'll give us a personal story. I had a, and this is my daughter's mother. This is a long time ago and this is really the only time I've had this issue. I've never been a guy that's like pulling out the tape measure for for link and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Like, hey, can you put your arms down next to you? I need to see if we can get you know past those fingertips. I've never been that guy. To be honest with you, and I do agree with if you date a people that are attractive, other people are going to be attracted to them, and I think that's no matter what they wear. To be honest with you, I would agree, so you can't be a jealous person dating attractive people. It's just going to your life's going to be various. You're making it hard on yourself. You know what I mean. I mean, is there a line though? Because with her in particular, she's had this pair of pants that she used to wear, and it was really only just, literally just this pair of pants. She pair of pants I want to say they were like white pants, but they were see through. You go like see through them and I see like, oh, why are you wearing those pants? Like, are you kidding me?
Speaker 1:You walked out like you know, your ass is out, like you're just, like you know, just showing your ass. You're like, oh, I really like these pants, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I'm not like, like I said, I'm very much a to each his own kind of person. So I don't believe in trying to change people Because, for one, I believe it's a feudal effort like trying to change grown people's. Feudal, like people eventually are going to be themselves, like no matter how you try to mold them one way or the next. So she, this was just this pair of pants, and we used to get into a lot of arguments to know over this, over this pair of pants.
Speaker 1:Just this one pair of pants. We used to get into so many arguments and I remember later on her, her mother coming to visit. She put those pants on and her mother got her, and I felt so vindicated. I felt so vinegar just from California, so something cow. So her mother came to visit from Cali and she and she throws, she throws the pants on and I was like yo, you know, you can like see through those pants and I would be like oh my. God, I can't you, just it's not me.
Speaker 1:And yes, because I'm like yo, it's not me being some raging obsessive dude. You can literally see through these pants, like is there, where is that, where is that moment at? And they're like is there a line there where you, like legit, could approach this concern without sounding like some kind of possessive idiot? You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I think it's how you say it and also having alternatives. You could have approached this subject and like hey, you know what I don't? I don't really like those, or this is, I would prefer to be dressed in this way a little bit, or bring items like hey, here's some clothes.
Speaker 1:I got three pairs of pants for you. You can go shopping. No, no, no.
Speaker 2:Yes, let's go shopping. I want to take you shopping, let me. Let me show you some things like all that that looks really good on you.
Speaker 1:Oh, I like better alternatives.
Speaker 2:And she's more active. Like, ok, like he likes this, and my man likes when I wear this, like you will get so many girls is blushing to say, oh my God. He likes when I wear this to thank you. Like, take her shop and sit there in the dressing room and watch her put on some clothes. Like, if you don't want to wear certain stuff, why don't you get her other things? Well, and it's also, I'm sure there's some items that you wore or had that she was not a fan of.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I feel like part of that, you know, is like conversation, right, like you have conversation because it in end end, like I wouldn't necessarily say in my defense in this particular situation, because there wasn't really my, my, I would love to say my wardrobe was exciting enough for her to get mad about. But it's totally not. It's hard to get mad about. T-shirt and jeans is too difficult to excite in any direction. But it was kind of like, when I'm thinking about it, just you know, whether it's future situations or the situation in general, there are certain things that I will. If a person says, hey, I don't like that color on you, I don't feel like she's being like controlling I just won't buy that color. Or you know what I mean, I will, I will buy. You see them saying I thought that's just part of like Meeting in the middle of just a, really the compromises that kind of come with a relationship. If that makes it that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, no, completely understand, and I would agree with that too. But I, like I said this, there's ways to approaches like hey, you know, that's too revealing. Or like hey, you know that I don't know if that's really flattering on you. I kind of like this one a little bit better.
Speaker 1:There's different ways to say the same thing and I think that's what people are missing a little bit. So you know another thing too when it comes to this, is hair okay here, now I have okay, so I have to, I have to bring myself, I have to bring you tread lightly ready, tread lightly.
Speaker 1:I have to bring it up because I believe that there is a difference and I'm gonna hair difference. I'm gonna go the same thing with the hair difference as, or the hair example. I'm gonna do the same thing as just a body example in general and I'm gonna do it for for males and for females. I'm gonna do it like my situation, but I'm also gonna do it on the female side, for a male as well. So For my situation particular, I like certain hairstyle. So if I meet a person and a person has like Shoulder length hair, I'm not saying like down her back or whatever, but I like something, something growing out of it, something growing out of your head. You know what I mean. That's just my preference and I believe that there's, there's everybody has a preference. Some people have racial preferences, some people have like country preferences, some people have height preferences. You know, I mean I'm not I've no go into these situations feeling like I fit everybody's preference. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:I would venture to say that people have just such different styles and I don't take offense to it myself, but it can't be very offensive to people. So I don't necessarily want to then come home and let's say that she's got like I Come home the next day and she's got like a purple fro. Now, me personally, me personally, I'm so, like I said before, I'm such a Do as you like person that I would have a really hard time cuz I've gone through this. I would not the purple fro, but I've gone A situation where a hairstyle might change and I'm like yo, that's not what attracted me. You're like, you know, like there's certain things that attract people to you, right, and hair could just be like one of them. But it could also be on the other side.
Speaker 1:Let's say that a woman meets a guy and when she meets a guy, he's in the gym all the time and then, after she meets him, he's on the couch eating potato chips all the time, playing video games all the time. Yeah, she have a right to bring that up. And does the guy have a right to bring that up like yo? This is kind of like cuz. I think the funny thing about attraction, then L is I I'm not saying that you can't have a relationship and have a love that kind of transcends the physical attraction. It's definitely, it's definitely possible. But I was saying is like Going through the motions to kind of keep yourself up to like what that person would attracted that person to begin with. So if I was in the gym before I met her, I'm not gonna like be like, oh well, she's here now and I'm kicking my feet up and I'm just gonna gain all kinds of way to do relationship right.
Speaker 1:It's, it's, it's, and you definitely can gain it. I've got about good 10 to 15 of them. But what I'm saying is, like you can, it's at least making an effort. Like if a person like you were with before. It Can be as simple as cologne or perfume, right, if a person that you were before they wore all the time, they made these efforts before, but then they're not making these efforts after an relationship, is a person allowed to say something? I thought in in the same thing, like this the hair situations is similar in the same. Like you meet a guy and let's say that you don't like a guy with dredge, or let's say that you'd like a guy with dredge. Okay, you want a guy. You met him. He had dredge. Okay, attracted to you to know. You come back home the next week.
Speaker 1:Now he's got a low-cut fade and you're like your hair, you do whatever you want, because that's how it was for me. I never I would express whether I like something or not, but I never told a person to change it. You see what I'm saying? Like I'm never that guy who's gonna be like. Even with the pants situation, I wasn't like throwing the pants out or anything.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. I'm not. I'm not. They would have gone missing. If they were me, they would have found their way.
Speaker 1:I have trouble with that because I'm such a live and let live person. I believe like your life is your life. You know what I mean. So it's kind of like I'm not gonna be like yo, you need to Cut your hair or you need to grow your hair. You know what I mean. There's just certain things. I'm attracted to it and I'm just gonna be honest about that. I'm gonna be very forthcoming about that. You know what I mean. Is there a line for stuff like that, without sounding like you're just some kind of superficial, like asshole or something like that?
Speaker 2:I feel like it depends on how you guys started your relationship and um the person themselves like, because, honestly, I would hope that you would like me regardless. I mean, I could lose my hair tomorrow. You know, have I been? I get into a car accident or a fire. I could not look that way, I mean barring, like cancer or injury.
Speaker 1:I believe that those things are are kind of like life happening to you versus A person going out and me, like if I went out, if I had dreads and I just went out and cut them. I just did that. The barber didn't just happen to be in my crib, but you know what I mean. Like I actively sought to make that change. Should that person run it by their significant other without being like that person's, like controlling them?
Speaker 2:I feel like it depends on how your relationship itself Like are you guys well, if you guys value relationship as far as like boyfriend, girlfriend, or is it like are you guys trying to be married husband, wife, that kind of stuff? I feel like that changes the role a little bit. If it's my boyfriend and he's like kind of preference, like you know what I like when you're long, straight hair, we've done, he likes that. That's how he met me or whatever, and I decided to change and go natural later on, or something like that, I could definitely that's been a problem before.
Speaker 2:People want you to look a certain way, cause this is the image that they want you to portray. But people get older, they change, they grow. So if your attraction to me is so tied up into my appearance, then no, I don't think it's. I don't think it's worth it. I don't think it's gonna work, because things change constantly and hinging your whole relationship on this person being this way when I met them, or fitting into a certain little box, it's very controlling, it's very. It can isolate you and then make that person feel like, well, if I change anything about this, well, go anywhere outside of these boundaries of what this person wants. They're no longer gonna care about me, they're no longer gonna be attracted to me, I'm never gonna belong.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna look at other women who fit that mold and feel insecure and afraid that they're gonna come up and take my man because I'm not this image of what he wanted to be. Or in the reverse, if he say I met him and I'm like I loved him and a fade, but he's like you know what? I wanna be a dread, I wanna dread it out, and I'm like I personally don't like dread. So I was like I prefer that you didn't, because I find you more attractive when you don't have that. But I'm not gonna force him into doing that sort of stuff. I can also figure out a halfway point. You're like, hey, maybe you could fade on the side or something a little dread at the top, like a party in the back, you know, like something. But also I think taking that person's feelings into consideration is important.
Speaker 2:So I don't know it's so mixed because I feel like if there's something that I want him to do, then I feel like I should be paying for it, or something Like if I want him in fades every week and he's like you know, I'm running in fades like here, babe go here's your baby.
Speaker 1:Here's your barbara money. This is the barbara I want you to see. I will definitely support it. I like women with nails, I don't listen to it. If that fun is running short, you let me know Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:I feel if it's a two-way street and I can say that to you and you can say that to me, but if it's only one way and he's like, oh, you have to be this certain way, but I can go do whatever you know, sit on the couch and chill and not do any of that kind of stuff, then now we got issues. But if it's we're both on this mission, like we're both equally decided, like hey, this is what we want, this is how we want to be here or our relationship to go, then okay, as long as they're both agreeing and that's what it is, then go for it whatever works for you guys. But if it's very one-sided and only one person expecting to change, adapt or whatever, then you know I'm not here for it. We will not last.
Speaker 1:That's interesting. It's an interesting perspective, because one of the things that you said I'm kind of agreeing is like the mixed bag of it, because there is a certain I would struggle with being honest because I'm very it could be very blunt. I could struggle with being honest versus the part of me that believes that your life is your life. You know what I mean. Like, I am so about that. I'm so about people doing what they want to do. You only get one life. I'm very much pro people doing what they want to do in their life. It's their body. If they want to cut their hair, they want to cut their hair. If they want to grow it out, they want to grow it out. Like you know, they're not necessarily beholden to everybody. However, I do believe it's a strong however in here, and here's where life is going to suck.
Speaker 1:Attraction is real. It is real. So it's kind of like if I attracted a certain woman being in the gym all the time, you know and I'm not talking about getting into an accident, break my leg, and now I can't go to the gym and she dips. I'm not talking about any situation like that, cause that's not a real relationship. I mean, it's not always going to be sunny outside of range. That's not a rainbow, you know. So I'm not talking about anything like that, cause I have had stuff like that happen and then things change for people and I'm not like I'm out of here, you know, it's not that.
Speaker 1:But over time to know if she is attracted to a gym guy and I stopped going to the gym, I think it is very selfish to feel like love is going to keep her here. I feel like I don't think that that's. I don't think it's realistic. She's going to go out. In that she's not. She doesn't live in a bottle. She's going to go out into the world and see the guys that do go to the gym that are naturally attractive. Like you know what I mean, they're going to naturally. Even when you do love somebody totally and you are totally attracted to them, you still might go out and see somebody that's attractive and like, oh, it's an attractive person. You still might notice it. I'm not saying you're going to walk up to them, but you notice it. I feel like if you aren't doing your part in these relationships, then you are leaving that Like you're kind of making it harder for her to keep.
Speaker 2:Yeah, making it harder for her to keep the wolves at bay.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean, because I'm over here gaining weight, sitting on a couch playing with your games. That's not what attracted her here and I could always pull the well, baby, you love me or you just could be superficial. It's not just. You know, when you beauty is just more skin deep, I can give her the whole spiel and it sounds great. But I don't know if it's realistic to life if a person's being honest with the other person Cause a lot of times. That's why people cheat, cause they don't want to be all the way honest there. You know what I mean. They don't want to be like yo. This isn't how I met you Like. This isn't the person that I was attracted to. You become a different person and your attraction is your attraction. Like people, like what they like. Right, you know, like you like what you like.
Speaker 1:But I feel like you're hinging all of that on just attraction, Like if I I would hope that as we, as we are, like activities as well, like maybe I hope it's our relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I hope it's our relationship matures, that our attraction mature as well. It would be more than just what I look like, more than just the physical appearance itself. So I'm like why is that part nine Especially when you get into old age, like that's, that might be all you have.
Speaker 1:Well, I, I, I feel like, uh, you bring up a solid point in that sense to know, because, as as there is a maturation process that every relationship kind of goes through, right, you're not going to be the same, and I feel like that's just, in general, right, like you meet a person, some of these people meet very early. If you meet a person and they're like 18, they're not going to be the same at like 28,. You know what I mean. They're not going to be the same at 38. You know what I mean. As they age, you're not going to be the same person. But here's what they can do.
Speaker 1:Though they can make the same efforts, it's not always just hinged on what they end up becoming Like.
Speaker 1:So, if and that's why I like using the gym as an example, because the gym is an effort, you know what I mean I'm making an effort to go Uh, you know, maybe it doesn't work as well into my 30s or 40s as it worked in my teenage and early years, but at least the effort hasn't changed. At least the effort hasn't changed in a sense of like, I still care about attracting my partner, like, and I'm not taking their presence for granted and thinking that love, the love will keep you here, type of mentality. You know what I mean and feel like, well, you love me now, so I mean I'm just going to. You know, have you ever seen people to know who get out of relationships? Then they lose all the weight and then they become that person, and then they, they, they get their revenge way, they, they, they start going to the gym now, they, they start looking a certain way, they start dressing in a certain way. You're like where was, where was all that when you were with the person that you were with?
Speaker 2:But I feel like there's another aspect of that too, because it's also did that person make room for you to be able to beat that the new person? After you get out of the relationship too? Like where the stress in the mental anguish that could happen in a relationship, it weighs on you, so it makes it so you can't go do those things. You you, emotionally or physically, can't get out there and actually maintain this body or whatever else that they wanted at the time. So of course, when you get out of the relationship, that that thing that was holding you back is not there anymore. Now I can go do these things, or it might have been those responsibilities that you had in that relationship or no longer there. So now I have the time to go and focus on me, get my mental state right, go do my body thing, all that kind of stuff, whereas when I was with this person I I wasn't there, I couldn't do that, or they didn't give me the room to be able to do these things. Especially, if you like to say, you mature, you got a family, you got other responsibilities, you got careers all that stuff plays a role. So it can be very unrealistic to expect somebody to be that person that they were before. But, as you were saying, the effort can still be there but it also can be redirected into different things. So, because my effort may not been going to the gym anymore, it might have been put into making sure, like hey, like um, he likes to make sure that he has his lunches made, or he likes, when I go to um different events with him or for work or whatever, that I look a certain way, so I try to do that. Or um to to entertain the business associates so that he can get more deals, and things like that. Like my efforts have changed and the need because his needs has changed.
Speaker 2:So I think that that goes hand in hand. Like you can't need for her to be who she was before or him to be who he was before, because now the first people you are now as that couple, as um, as in your relationship, it's not the same. So you're, you're what you wanted. Or some people hold on to what they wanted in the past and they don't let it um change, they don't let it grow, they don't let it develop into something else. You want to keep that person where they were before and I'm like that that's very hard to deal with and it weighs on you. So when they get out of that relationship now, it's like fresh start. Now I can go be the person that I was before, or I wanted to be the person in the future, because I didn't have the time I had kind of straight. I had other responsibilities, all that stuff.
Speaker 1:So I don't I don't know if that's a good comparison um, having the new me, no, no man type stuff, you know um, I feel like it's different for different people, cause I feel like some people that might have been in constriction because you bring up a solid point of, like the if you got to spend a lot of time with another person, um, and then there are people who were actively will, like yo, I, they broke up with me, so now I'm going to make him wish he stayed with me by going and doing all the stuff that they were hoping I would do when we were actually together.
Speaker 2:And then it's also fear too. Fears the motivator. Now you're back in the market. You don't know how things were or how they are now. So now I was like I got to compete with these girls and these young nuts.
Speaker 1:So there, you know, let's, let's, let's stay on that point for a second, because I personally and this is not, this is why I say I say it on both sides, because this is not a one sided situation with me I also, uh, just because I'm in a relationship with somebody, it doesn't mean that somebody else I'm not competing with. I don't. The competition for their affection doesn't stop, in my opinion, just because I'm in a relationship with them, and I'm very cognizant of that. So it's not like I'm putting um standards on somebody else that I wouldn't hold myself to. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:That's why I will go to the gym, that's why I will try to keep up with myself. I keep, I keep on my dress and keep up with things that I do. It's because I know that that doesn't the competition doesn't stop. But that works both ways. You know what I mean. The competition doesn't stop just because you're in a relationship, and I feel like it's kind of delusional for people to to feel like, just because your relationship was reached a certain emotional point, that nobody's going to find your partner attractive anymore. But but you, but they walk outside the house Like you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like people have that mentality sometimes. It why why, why?
Speaker 1:why do you think that is? Would they feel like I feel like to be personal? I feel like it's kind of arrogant in my if, if I was to have the perspective to know that just because my partner loves me, that nobody's going to like her when she walks out the house. And now I don't want to do nothing, no more to keep up with myself. Isn't that arrogant?
Speaker 2:to a certain degree it definitely is. You can see, I've met people in relationships like that where it's very You're not going anywhere because I'm the best that you can do.
Speaker 2:So, Person like, well, I would like. No, I don't want to do that, I don't want to be in a relationship with somebody like that. But there's people who genuinely think that, um, especially when you haven't. So, so the thing now, I guess, when men are settling down, they're settling down with women that are have just been around and this one's kind of stuck with me, so okay.
Speaker 2:I guess all I guess she'll be the one. Um, and women have had the personality, that or the idea that, okay, well, if I just stick it out long enough, he'll choose me and I'll be it. So I Having that kind of relationship, it makes it harder to have the oh, you know, you should be in the gym and working out and being this way when, like you said, it's one sided and the only one person Is expected to do those things. Um, it can be eye-opening when that person actually gets the, the self-esteem level, get their self-esteem up, and they're able to get out of the relationship and then look back to like, what was I thinking? What was I doing? This is crazy. And then you still have that other person who's still in that mentality where you can't do, you never do any better. That's it. I'm all you got Trying to hold somebody down, hold them back, whatever. It's just weird. I don't understand it. But I think that plays a role into the whole. Um, I want you to look or, uh, act or appear a certain way.
Speaker 1:I think it's interesting because I I really struggle between the being honest when you just being forthcoming, like listen, there are, especially If you're and I believe this is what anybody I believe somebody's gonna be attracted to you like it. I'm not saying that you walk out and women are just falling.
Speaker 1:Women are, men are just falling over you, like that, I don't know, like somebody didn't know like somebody's gonna like, gonna like this person when they walk out, and I just think that if that person, if the if you don't have both people actively making efforts to try to keep the other person's attention and Outside of just like paying bills and hanging out together and living your life together, I think you're doing your relationship a disservice.
Speaker 1:I just think it's a disservice. I think if you're falling into a rut of this because you know how easy it is it's easy to know, so easy to fall into the rut of just paying bills and going to work. And then you look up in years of past. You know what I mean. So it's easy to just Get into that routine of day, that daily routine of things, um, but it's kind of. And then what ends up happening? Maybe they get divorced, right, they both get new relationships and they're like oh, this is what I've been waiting for all my life, like I feel young again and then the life, life is happening again Like that's because you got into that rut with that other person.
Speaker 1:Y'all were just going through life together and if the maybe if these things didn't ever express more openly, there would be less of these kind of breakups. Maybe if it was it because I think that it becomes such you look at it as a stigma of being so superficial that you don't want to express it right, because you don't want to look like you're just here, just for that. But I think you're doing yourself as a disservice to act like that. Does that the physical part is not playing a part for why you are there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would agree it does. It does play a part, um, but I also think that part is like I said, it changes in it, it grows, it becomes what percentage do you feel like that part should play the melody fight.
Speaker 1:That should pay 50, 50, 20, 20 percent, 15 percent.
Speaker 2:Oh, I will.
Speaker 1:I would say, and just for you personally, not for like everybody else Well, like what?
Speaker 2:would it be for you?
Speaker 1:personally.
Speaker 2:It. I would say 30 percent disposable, because I feel like my attraction it's it's not just about what you, what you look like, who like.
Speaker 1:I need more than that, Especially long term right. Especially long term, because your appearance is not going to keep me there forever. It's appreciating asset, for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely, definitely. So I I feel like I need to have some. You gotta have some quality of personality. I can't be talking to a rock.
Speaker 1:I will not hold a conversation with me, so, um, no, they know what if that changes as well, because we've been talking a lot about the physical when I really I'm just talking more so just about changes that happen in relationships. Some of them are physical, some of them are behavior. Like I said, if you even the gym, the gym is a physical situation but it's also a behavior and you're, let's say, that you meet a person and they Y'all you read books that were out or they were an outdoors person and then you meet them and no, they're not an outdoors person anymore, like you know the things that that interest you to this human being. Not saying that you got to stay frozen in time forever, but I feel like you should give it, you should pay attention to what your significant other with your partner, uh, would attracted you, I would agree there and Keeping you to kind of there.
Speaker 2:I feel like it's also, if things change like that, I think, especially than their home personality shifts, I think there might be a deeper, deeper issue or something else that you might want to address, and it's not just the apparent stuff or or them not doing certain activities anymore. I'd be more concerned like, hey, what's? How are you feeling? Like what's going on? Honestly, because that can shift people Like as well, and they don't even look at that. They just see like, oh well, you were going to the gym before, but now you're not. You're getting, you're getting a little chunky on there. Like what's going on.
Speaker 2:It could also be like, hey, you, why aren't you going to the gym? What's caused you not to want to go or not be able to go, and how can I help? Because I know this is something that you liked, I know this is something that you care for About and the value that you have, and I see that it's, it's no longer there. So what, what happened, what? What's going on?
Speaker 2:I think those those questions, those deeper questions should, should be asked and looked at, because that can, they could be going through extreme depression and that's why they don't want to. They don't even want to get up in the morning or there's something stressful situation at work that I'm not telling you about. That's why I don't want to go to these events anymore, when I used to enjoy it and all kind of stuff. I think you have to really look past Just the the first thing that you see and get a little bit deeper, especially if somebody you truly care about, I want to know what it is like, what's really going on. That's how we fix that part before we come back to oh you know, get the gym.
Speaker 1:I think that's where it at least starts, at least at least having a conversation, because I believe the problem is is that a lot of People ignore it and then the other persons are believing, or be they cheat maybe they're believing, or split that because they're you're, they're literally dating a different human being.
Speaker 1:They're literally with a whole different person than what got them there. You know what I mean. I don't believe that people are obligated to just Sit through their life like that and wait for people to get it together. You know what I mean. Like you, I do believe, um, in being honest about it, because I I'm not. I wouldn't just run out and then just be like yo, I got the person that I got the person that I was looking for. I'm gonna be honest, but I believe that once a person is honest with you and they're being transparent with you, I really feel like there's not really much more a person owes you. Like I don't feel like people owe you, owe you their life or would owe me their life because they're in a relationship with me. You know what I mean. Like I, if they're not finding that contract.
Speaker 1:We got married you you're walking out of this thing. Like you know, it's a situation where I, I, I Don't believe that people like pledge their life to others like that and it would, with no kind of would, no kind of Standards. You know what I mean. Or with like hey, you can do anything now like we're, we're we're together now.
Speaker 1:It doesn't really matter, and then I'll never bring it up right exactly and I feel like there's, there's, if people are more Transparent about that, then maybe some relationships get saved versus a person just completely stepping out on a person who fits what that person used to be you know what I mean and instead of just talking to that person but I do believe that there's, especially from a guy, the dynamics a little different. But from a guy to a woman standpoint it can come off as a possessive, you know what I mean. It can come off as like Um oh, you're just with me. For the physical, it to act like I just saw your mental from across the room and approached you Like I feel like it's delusional as to what actually is happening in life.
Speaker 2:You never think the body across the room, a girl, your mind.
Speaker 1:Right, man, I've been hurt since. The humor is amazing, let me get over there. You know what I mean. Like Me personally, especially made me visual and I'm definitely that guy. It's, it's, it's not and any of you are. It's Handling your business. I believe other people, especially this day and age man, other people will step in Instantaneously. You know what I mean, especially if they sense that you know, and I feel like that's women and men Right, if you sense that other person you like, this person, this person object of your affection, you fit their type, you feel like you'll be a better person than their partner. The partner takes them for granted Person gonna step in the nail you know what I mean and they're gonna make a move on that situation. If the person that Talk to their partner earlier, maybe they could have gotten around. I'm not saying that it's a fix in in it all be at all, but I feel like maybe you could have got ahead of that a little bit. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean this communication on both parts definitely agree. But I feel like you. Somebody can only get get into a space when you allow them room to. So if you're not Giving them that room, they can't get in. It doesn't matter how much they're. Just like oh, she don't really care about you, like I need to type stuff, like no, you're not giving her that room to be it in there or telling her your business, then and I don't think you know, stepping out on on something like that would be, wouldn't? It doesn't make sense to me. Yeah, I don't give that part. But I also feel like Going back to saying people change and good, getting older and everything for sure most women stay with men when things happen.
Speaker 2:Say he gets older and has to go to hospital, or he's in a coma, or you know, something medically happens or just a freak accident, or whatever.
Speaker 1:Women stay study she's like you feel, like Ben don't.
Speaker 2:No, not at all like Friend. She's up, she's in there, she works in our office. No, she's like yeah, yeah, number of men who just she wants me to have somebody else.
Speaker 1:Yo, is that not? Is that that's not too crazy? Because I feel like you really love a person. Isn't that what you want? Do you want a person to change, a person to die with me? Like, are you serious? I'm not dead yet.
Speaker 2:I'm not dead yet. Okay, before that, she has cancer or she has something else that you? Know, I will pull up the study and I'll send it to you. They don't stay, women do. Women will carry it through, go through everything. That's why some of them, in their getting into relationships when they get older, when they find out that they have a medical issue, a heart-to-heart kidney problem, that's when they get booed up.
Speaker 1:You might boot up a nurse, like what you're doing. That is so that yo, that's that. That's hilarious. I Feel like, well, we're gonna have more conversations like this. I definitely appreciate an outside perspective here to know. Thank you for, for joining me and kind of giving me that and giving the audience that.
Speaker 2:Thank you for Awakening me to the realization that you can't tell that I'm just hilarious and witty.
Speaker 1:Well, educating people one person at a time. Here is Reggie Nate. Yeah, check us out, stitcher. I heart radio, google podcast, apple podcast, spotify, where you find your podcast. See you next time, all right, great.